The Importance of Not Quarrelling
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.
Proverbs 21:19, NIV
Solomon, the author of most of the proverbs, had a great many wives and he knew something of which he spoke. In addition to that the Proverbs are inspired by God, so the truth contained in this verse is well worth our exploring. Before you men get too cocky, the truth is just as relevant for a wife living with an ill-tempered husband. Regardless of which side of the equation you are on, we all know that living in a desert is generally a miserable experience and something to be avoided by all sane people.
So to start, please do not miss the truth this passage reveals: Living in a dry, often snake-infested region, subject to the ravages of wind and heat and thirst is preferable to living in the quarrelsome environment created by a bad marriage.
Over the years, I have had the privilege of performing a few marriages. Prior to the wedding day, I try to sit down with the loving couple and go over some of the relevant passages from God's Word relating to marriage. The Bible indicates that these inspired passages are commandments, but some couples prefer to look at them as suggestions - a type of advice that can be considered and used at their own discretion. Though I always teach the former in these pre-marital counseling sessions, the naturally bright often view this part as the latter.
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One of the things I always try to stress is the truth contained in the passage we read above. I tell them that if they ever disagree, that whatever they do they must never, never, never win an argument. The reason for this advice is quickly apparent to everyone who has ever been married for more than two weeks, but I will state it plainly, here, for the benefit of those who have yet to be married for that long. It is incredibly insightful advice, so you may want to commit it to memory. I say this without a trace of pride, but as a public service. Are you ready? Here it is:
If you win an argument with your husband or wife, you will lose.
God knew this, and He has tried to spare marriages from the consequences of argument. It's not that there will never be righteous stands that the husband or wife will be required to take, for should a spouse ever go astray from the commands contained in God's Word, such sinful behavior should not be tolerated. Correcting sinful behavior is not what it means to be quarrelsome and ill-tempered.
James chapter four has a great explanation on what causes quarrels and it wouldn't be bad to take a few minutes to look it over when you have time. While space does not permit a full discussion now, I can tell you that a selfish pursuit of pleasure is at the heart of all such quarrels, and it is this very type of selfishness that is a cancer to any marriage. But to wrap up this conversation I will simply say don't quarrel and don't be ill-tempered. I will also point out that if you have a potential husband or wife who is currently fond of quarreling and subject to bad temper, then don't marry them!
"But I may never get married", some might say, but I assure you that this would be better. If you are still tempted to not accept this advice then at least first do this before your wedding day: Take a canteen of water and hike into a desert for a week's stay. Don't select a desert up in some mountain retreat or at a resort hotel, but choose a genuine desert. If you survive the week then you can sit back and reflect on whether you ever want to go through something that our Lord has indicated to be an inferior choice and you will begin to get the idea.
And, should you find yourself in a marriage that is currently plagued with bad tempers and arguments, then stop it! To be clear, I am referring to stopping the arguments, not the marriage. If you will cease from your side of these bad tempered fights, you will likely find that your spouse will too. And then you will discover another of the great truths contained within the Bible: Without fuel, a fire soon goes out. And when the fires of these foolish conflicts are finally extinguished, then you and your spouse can get to the work of serving God together in a way that will be pleasing to Him and to you.
It's something worth considering, wouldn't you agree?